Saturday, June 10, 2006

ABC - Network of the One True God

Donald McDonald
Chairman, ABC

cc: Mark Scott, ABC General Manager


Dear Mr. McDonald,


I sat down to watch some television last night and found myself doing something I haven’t done much lately, seeing what the networks had going on in “Primetime.” Given the fact that the only shows I care about are now off on their summer hiatus my expectations were pretty low to begin with but, that said, there was simply no way to predict what was waiting for me on ABC. And I don’t mean that in the usual Bush administration kind of way. You know, the “there was no way we could predict that terrorists would use airplanes as weapons” or the “I don’t think anybody anticipated the breech of the levees” kind of way.

No this was much different.

Flipping through the channels, I stopped on NBC first. They were airing the Nightline sting operation on online sexual predators for what I believe was the seventeenth time. Or maybe it was a new episode. It’s difficult to tell since with the exception of new scumbags getting busted, it is the exact same show every time. Here’s to hoping that they expand the concept to use an energy lobbyist in online chat rooms to attract GOP lawmakers willing to craft industry written legislation in exchange for golf trips and campaign contributions only to find themselves busted on live national television. But I digress. My point is, if you’ve seen this show once, you’ve seen enough.

From there, I flipped over to CBS only to find Ricky Lake hosting popular game shows featuring B & C-list celebrities. Ordinarily I would have quickly flipped away but seeing former SNL cast member Tim Meadows, who I have always liked, wearing a baby bonnet and sliding across the stage in a giant playpen was sad to say the least. I could go on about the sadness of watching semi-celebrities desperately grasp at the fading prospects of a career in “entertainment” but, frankly, I don’t care about it that much.

So now I found myself clicking over to ABC. At this point, your network could basically show hockey (honest to God, hockey!) and still take home the night’s ratings crown. But, no, you went a different route. Instead, ABC took it upon themselves to air Billy Graham’s “Celebration of Hope” in its entirety. Capitalizing on the tragedy of Hurricane Katrina, these evangelical Christians created an entire hour of “Jesus TV” that aired uninterrupted on a primetime ABC slot. Even the commercials were for Christian products.

Brilliant.

I want in. Seriously, where do I sign up? I love that you have given such a stage to the vocal minority of Evangelical Christians in this country “hell bent” on the establishment of a theocratic American government. I really believe that their message, the possibility that hurricanes and terror attacks are the results of God’s anger over the sinful notion of granting equal rights to homosexuals and the continued allowance of legal access to an abortion performed by a medical professional, deserves a bigger stage. I have a few ideas that I’d like to pitch.

Now we are all familiar with some of the great programming of late coming from ABC. Of course there are the mega hits “Grey’s Anatomy,” “Desperate Housewives” and “Lost,” among others. Another hit show for ABC has been “Extreme Makeover.” I’ve always found this show to be the feather in the ABC cap. Not only is it a huge hit, it makes a difference. It helps people in their darkest hour of need through positivity and “extreme” generosity. Now generosity, selfless giving, compassion, caring, these are all obviously values of Jesus Christ but I’m worried that “our” (sorry, do you mind if I assume our partnership?) audience is not being exposed to what Evangelicals believe to be another core value of Christ. Hatred for homosexuals. So, with that, I give you:

“Extreme Makeover: Gay Cure Edition!” Every week Ty Pennington and the gang travel to a new town to find some sick, depraved homosexual in order to offer them a new life dedicated to service of the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and the fitful, tortured suppression of every sexual impulse they have ever known!



"Can I interest you in a future trapped in Jesus’ closet?"








In the same way that “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” uses nothing but the best new household appliances courtesy of Sears, “Extreme Makeover: Gay Cure Edition” would use nothing but the best techniques in gay reparative therapy to help these sinners turn away from homosexuality and embrace a new, loving, totally heterosexual relationship with Jesus Christ. In the pilot episode, Ty could lead a sea of Promise Keepers in tank tops and hard hats toward an unsuspecting homosexual sitting on his front porch and finishing his morning latte while flipping through a Pottery Barn catalogue. Maybe Ty could instruct the young man to savagely beat a pillow with a tennis racket while screaming the name of his estranged mother. This is, apparently, a cutting edge technique in the new field of gay reparative therapy.

“Extreme Makeover Gay Cure Edition” would segue nicely into a gritty new drama called “Gay Panic” named after the criminal defense strategy employed by the two young men who would later be convicted of severely beating Matthew Shepherd and leaving him for dead, tied to a fence in a remote Wyoming field. In “Gay Panic,” two young detectives fresh off their own successful completion of gay reparative therapy regiments will travel to liberal, coastal locations like Boston or San Francisco to infiltrate homosexual groups in ways only formerly gay men know how to do in order to track the movements of prospective gay marriage candidates. After a certain period of undercover work, the detectives will reveal themselves and offer the homosexuals a chance to heal. In accordance with the wishes of the Lord almighty Himself, the detectives will beat and leave for dead any homosexual that rejects the therapy as a symbolic precursor for the fate that awaits these sinners in the pits of eternal hellfire. I don’t know about you but I’m smelling a Golden Globe here.

As I’m sure you know Fox has scored a huge hit with their series “24.” I’m thinking the next Evangelical series in the ABC line-up should play off of the current popularity of tense, terror-based serials. We can call it “Ezekiel 25:17”. For this series, we turn conventional wisdom on its ear, Focus on the Family style. Our “Jack Bauer” character, instead of being the hero trying to save the day from Muslim terrorists, is a different kind of “idealist.” He’s an unwitting slave to the memes pushed by the secular, Jew-run media. Instead of allowing the hero, the “Eric Rudolph” character, to complete the righteous mission handed to him by the Almighty to end the fetus Holocaust through the righteous bombing of abortion clinics, the liberal Satanist attempts to foil these plots. The show will be perceived as “cutting edge” since the “good guy” is actually the bad guy and “bad guy” is actually the good guy. Set to a pulsing soundtrack of the best that Christian music has to offer, from rock bands like “Metal With Beatitude” to even a swing band called “Destroying Sodom In Fedoras,” each week a plot to a bomb a new abortion clinic unfolds with the audience praying that our “Eric Rudolph” character will be able to complete his mission. Hello coveted 18-40 year old male demographic tuning in to see the Lord’s fiery explosions of justice!

Now I know that your network has scored another huge hit in “Grey’s Anatomy” by appealing to the immoral, depraved fornicators that make up generations “X & Y” but I think there is room in the line-up for another medicine-based drama. This show is called “Prescription of Faith” and features medical professionals actually working to cure and heal people but without sacrificing the true vision of Christ in the process. Each week will feature a handful of difficult scenarios but instead of the faithless liberal doctors that seek to help everyone equally, “Faith” will depict Evangelical doctors whose copy of the Bible is just important as their copy of Gray’s Anatomy. And in this world, “life partners” don’t have visiting rights and it doesn’t matter if you are married or not, there are no birth control pills. Finally, we will be able to watch a medical drama featuring the one true cure for what ails you, the Good News of Jesus Christ.



"No, its not menopause. Its Satan."











I’d like to switch gears for a second, if I may. A popular trend on television that has evolved over the last decade of so has come to be known as “reality television” and I don’t want to leave today’s Christian Evangelicals out of the mix. Now I’m sure you know that NBC has achieved a decent amount of success in capitalizing on the bulging belt line of today’s average American with the show “The Biggest Loser.” Several overweight people are selected to compete against each other by seeing who can lose as much weight as possible over a certain amount of time. This certainly isn’t a bad concept as far as the average television fare in our modern sinful, Godless network television world is concerned. There is one thing lacking, however. The biggest motivator of all. Jesus. With that I give you, “The Biggest Winner.”

“The Biggest Winner” will feature Christ-based motivation to help end the “battle of the bulge” by saying no to Satan and his offering of a second helping of lukewarm mozzarella sticks from the Country Buffet. And who better to motivate these weak-willed Godless souls than Pat Robertson! Trust me, it is a natural fit, he already has his line of energy bars and has recently declared his ability to leg press a ton. No, literally, a ton. Who better to minister to the needs of the overweight than a 73 year old man that can leg press over 700 pounds more than the recorded world record? Product tie-ins will help to increase ad revenue as contestants consume nothing but Pat Robertson energy bars and workout on elliptical riders featuring recorded encouragements of James Dobson and Tony Perkins.


"Weak-willed secular humanists reading a Michael Moore book can ride faster than that on the same day they’ve had a late term abortion and protested your right to pray! Faster!"

Tying in with the Pat Robertson commitment for the “Biggest Winner” is the opportunity for a revitalization of the “Charlie’s Angels” series. Rather than featuring scantily clad fornicators clearly refusing to take abstinence pledges this show will feature Ann Coulter, Laura Ingraham & Michelle Malkin. The show is tentatively titles “Shut Up, Or You’ll Miss the Treasonous Wails of Anchor Babies.” Ok, we’re still working on the title. Each week, Pat Robertson as the voice of the “Charlie” character, “calls” in to the ladies with a new, top secret mission. The pilot episode will feature a well-planned assassination attempt on Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez in a God-sanctioned smiting for his refusal in the face of CIA-sponsored coup plots to stop directing some of the money from his country’s thriving oil trade toward projects benefiting the millions of Venezuelans that live in poverty and for committing the Cardinal Sin of threatening to trade in “Petrol-Euros” rather than “Petrol-Dollars.” Coulter, Ingraham & Malkin will swoop into the television studios where Chavez films his weekly TV show and will carry out the assassination while violently competing with each other to see who can deliver the most vacuous, disingenuous, vitriolic political commentary to be aired by any network seeking to escape the baseless charge of being liberally biased.



There is no bigger sin in the eyes of God than a foreign country's president refusing to sign over his natural resources to American corporations.







I hope that you will consider these new programs. It takes a certain level of bravery to pander to the basest elements of a vocal fringe minority. I appreciate what is obviously a concerted effort to do just that.

Yours In Christ,

Bentz

24 Comments:

At 6/10/2006 5:52 PM, Blogger vesti said...

"No, its not menopause. Its Satan."

Fucking priceless.

 
At 6/10/2006 6:01 PM, Blogger not_over_it said...

The teevee Evangelists already have their own version of "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

 
At 6/11/2006 12:10 AM, Blogger vesti said...

A few suggestions ...

"Prison Break-Up"
Chuck Colson hosts as teams of evangelical ex-gay therapists-in-training compete to see who can get the most same-sex inmate "couples" to stop "dating" (or at least to stop using those godless condoms).

"The Price is Right"
How much does it cost to buy silence from the family of a child molested by a priest? Find out when Bernard Law hosts this wacky show that starts in Massachusetts, but winds up spreading to justabout everywhere.

"Dead or No Dead"
Players bet it all as they try to guess whether or not Bill Frist will diagnose each hospice patient - via remote video hookup - as dead or alive. The show unfortunately goes bankrupt after Frist logs 37 consecutive "alive" diagnoses.

 
At 6/12/2006 12:56 AM, Blogger Fantod said...

That was great, Bentz! Well done.

“Shut Up, Or You’ll Miss the Treasonous Wails of Anchor Babies.”

I'm visualizing a sort of (barely) female Hogan's Heroes, set in an internment camp where they conduct secret missions under the guise of putting on talent shows to boost morale. Much Lucy-and-Ricky like hilarity ensues.

 
At 6/14/2006 6:59 AM, Blogger Carl said...

I even have a built-in sponsor for you!

Miss Poppy's Christian Gifts

 
At 6/14/2006 11:29 AM, Anonymous SapnkySunrise said...

At first I wasn't sure of your idea for Faith Based TeeVee would work in this world full of homosexulas, heathens, heretics, and *shudder* liberals, until I read this bit...


"In the pilot episode, Ty could lead a sea of Promise Keepers in tank tops and hard hats toward an unsuspecting homosexual sitting on his front porch and finishing his morning latte while flipping through a Pottery Barn catalogue"

Who doesn't just love that Ty? I bet even the gays would welcome a group of muscular men in tight tank tops into their homes if they are being led by Ty?

 
At 6/14/2006 2:35 PM, Blogger Carl said...

By the way, I hear Bentz has a blog...

 
At 6/15/2006 12:04 PM, Anonymous counter-coulter said...

“Extreme Makeover: Gay Cure Edition” would use nothing but the best techniques in gay reparative therapy to help these sinners turn away from homosexuality and embrace a new, loving, totally heterosexual relationship with Jesus Christ.

Sorry, but someone's already beaten you to the punch with that idea.

 
At 6/19/2006 2:54 PM, Blogger hamjenkinsIII said...

BOO YAH!

 
At 6/21/2006 1:42 PM, Blogger Carl said...

Wha-- Ham?

 
At 6/21/2006 8:38 PM, Blogger KEvron said...

you do know that abc has their pwn police force, yes? don't say you haven't been warned....

KEvron

 
At 6/26/2006 8:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

All I can say is that if Jesus General decides to hang it up, we're in good hands. Good stuff, Bentz!

 
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